tear filled prayers.

oh i'm a silly woman, yes i am.
allowing fear at this stage to tackle me and pin me down to the ground.

yes, it's true.

i like to think of myself as someone who can do things if i wanted to, overcome obstacles if need be. but lately i've been realizing that i like to say that, but i don't truly believe that. your friend here has dreams. some, scratch that, all of which have been placed on hold too many times from fear of failing. from fear of not being good enough. and lately from fear that those dreams, i just don't downright deserve to accomplish.

i read about even little dreams that God has given to others. desires of their hearts. sometimes even like a free chocolate donut on a monday. yet, when i look at the desires of my heart when it comes to my career and aspirations for ministry, i haven't seen any doors open yet.
and so i go on to believe that my dreams are probably not that important, that my aspirations are nonsense and that i should just move on and be content with not seeing my dreams unfold.

but then, i'd be calling God a liar.

nobody wants to be the one calling him that. nobody.

yet with my unbelief that the promise is for me as well, with my skeptical thoughts of whether i am one of those that He will listen to or that maybe i'm just not christian enough to have Him give me my dreams, i am calling Him just that. and i should just be given my ticket to hades, right?

but. last night. in my heartache and through tears, i realized.... no, He made me realize, that my fear has been so big, i've created a wall that has prevented me from even coming to Him in prayer with those dreams.
i've prayed for healing, my family, financial well being, but never have i flat out come to Him in prayer with my dreams, with what I hope to be able to achieve....from stupid fear.

why do i do that? why do i sell myself short in believing His power and love don't extend out to me like it does to others?

i'm a hard headed, wild child, back talking daughter. i admit that. and if i were Him, i'd probably cut me off His list.

but i'm not Him. and thank the heavens for that.

instead He reminds me through my tears, that I am His daughter too. and that His promises extend out to me as well. i just have to reach and take them. i just simply have to pull up a chair to His table.

last night in a feeble, tear filled prayer i lifted up my dreams and asked for doors to open wide for me.
and i can feel it friends. i can feel it already. and in case you've been where i've been lately, let me tell you, the promise extends out to you as well.


what's held you back from your dreams?