where's your happiness beautiful?

i've put happiness on a pedestal for as long as i can remember. i think from the first day after i gave Jesus my depression, all i've ever wanted to be was happy. every minute of every day. i've feared even a moment of solitude or sadness, crawling away as fast as possible from the dark place i was in for far too long. but i've come to a realization these past couple of weeks that this type of happiness has been so dangerous.
 i've placed my dependence of happiness on other things, certain situations, and even specific people instead of on God alone. one of them being my husband.
when he and i are laughing, meshing quite well, agree on most things, i'm happy as a clam, happier than a bird with a fry, happier than a chubby kid with cake. i'm loving life, i'm smiling, singing, etc.
when he and i are not on the same terms, if there's a disagreement which might involve raising our voices and/or saying hurtful things, (yes, we are far from perfect.) my happiness tank depletes quite a lot and happiness is just a fairy tale term. and it's completely unfair to place that burden on him in that manner or anyone else.

same with our finances. i've always had a magic number in my head as far as where our account should always be. if it becomes less than that magic number, i'm unhappy, i feel like the world is ending, i get in a bad mood and desperately try to find ways to make fast funds. i'm nuts. we have never even been in a state of emergency. thank God.
and this can happen with just about any situation that is less than ideal for me. my happiness falls apart faster than going on caffeine and a cupcake for breakfast alone. fast crash.

i've been holding on to happiness in such a dangerous way, not fully allowing the Lord's joy to be the one to fulfill me. in fact, not allowing Him at all to fulfill me. it's a recipe for destruction in looking for steadfast happiness in what simply is not steadfast in nature.

via

then there's that verse.

i've struggled so much with that verse in understanding it. see, His grace for me means His sacrifice on the cross and taking me in as His child. but how could that apply to finding happiness in Him with my marriage differences, financial set backs, or any other ridiculous thing that steals my happiness? yet in every situation that i've seen my ideal of happiness come crashing down, this verse pounded on my heart, yet never fully understanding how it applied. maybe even refusing to dwell on it a little bit longer for fear that i would be proved wrong.

this weekend, after i awoke from a nap after a disagreement, i finally understood.

His grace didn't stay nailed to that cross.

His grace is showered upon me each day.
through the children that i was blessed with, although i don't deserve it. i know that sounds cliche, but when i'm falling from my pedestal of happiness, i am not one bit graceful towards them. anyone around me for that matter, but unfortunately they're the only ones around most of the time.
i see His grace with providing for my family with abounding blessings. never once really being in despair. His grace in repairing broken ties in my marriage that once seemed irreparable and still working to take us to a place of utmost peace.

i see his grace in allowing me to come to Him with my weaknesses time and time again and not turning me away. His grace, that abounding grace, that my mind cannot fully wrap around, is sufficient enough for me. bank accounts, having no stupid arguments, or less hours at work are not enough to satisfy my happiness as they are momentary, people and circumstances fail and disappoint, yet He never does.

placing my happiness on certain people or certain things have dragged me through mud and have left me a hot mess, until the next thing that brings me momentary happiness comes around. happiness is fleeting when it comes from earthly things.

His grace, His love, His presence is eternal and never leaves. that is what i should look for to fill me not with happiness, but with everlasting joy. my God is reward enough.
I trade my temporary happiness for His  grace and eternal joy. i trade what i've been holding on to for what He has trying to give me all along.