i want to be used.

serving has not always been my passion. going to church faithfully was good enough in my book. it was a check on my list that earned me a gold star next to my name in the good ol book of life. 

my time, my resources were considered very valuable and after all God is God, He doesn't need anything from me. If I didn't step up, someone else would. problem solved. 

selfish.selfish.and more selfish. 

what would my life look like if i stepped out of my comfort zone and actually DID something. 

what if i prayed to be used instead of praying for things to change on their own around me, in my church, in my home?

so i prayed. 

well the prayer was answered, and the call is now standing like a mountain in front of me.

to make a long story short, my family and i have a vision and we've been pouring out our time, resources and heart over it, but sometimes what you expect doesn't come quick enough. it doesn't come in the timing we waited for.

and when that happens, the lies begin tearing down those visions.

you're not good enough

you all are not enough in numbers.

you don't have enough resources to pull that dream off.

it's too much, you're too small, you're too weak.

what if God doesn't want to use you? 

and those words sting. those words crush so fast and so hard.

 but as faithful as He is, He picks me up and reminds me my heart is enough. 

even if we're not huge in numbers, even if our resources are few, even if...He is present.

He never chose the over qualified, the rich, the powerful, or the strong. 

He always chose those who were weak, so that He could strengthen and defeat giants.

He chose the under qualified, to bring freedom to His people.

He chose the smallest, to reign in a foreign land. 

why should i be any different?

why should God not want to use me?

i stand today not only as one that wants to serve, but one that wants to please Him.

I don't want to ever get to His gates and look down sheepishly knowing I did nothing. knowing i never stepped out of my comfort zone. knowing that i truly didn't live all out for Him.

i have so much i want to do and see the never ending possibilities to bring a change into homes in the community we are in, hope to those that are lost, restoration to marriages that are broken. 

i have dreams of speaking to women about a man that loves them beyond any love they've ever experienced.

i have dreams of encouraging young women to see their self worth in Jesus. 

i dream of my children growing up serving instead of wanting to be served. 

but before any of that can take place, the change in me has to be allowed at all costs. 

i have to be willing to be molded and refined in the fire for however long is needed. 

but however long, i'm ready. i'm ready Lord to be used.