though it might hurt now.

 

yesterday was not an easy one to bear. my heart was so heavy all day long and honestly just wanted to spend the whole day, head between my knees on the floor praying and crying out to God.

it's funny that just a few days ago, i had this rush in me to want to stare difficulties down with fearless eyes and carried a very upbeat, positive attitude towards the issues at hand.
yesterday, not so much.

not for one second, do i doubt that God is God. and that He is good.
not for one do i doubt that He plans good for His children.

but what i also know, is that God doesn't just always plop those good things in our lap without us channeling Abraham. without climbing to the top of a mountain with a heavy heart, where there the provision will be. He will make us travel that long, hard to endure mountain sometimes. it's what will be needed.
and that hurts.

that man up there. he's my dad.
a dad i've watched give everything up for his girls, my mom and my sisters. a dad i've witnessed coming home weary from a day of work to only smile and play around, because he's so young at heart.
a dad that has ached alongside me when my heart was breaking due to my marriage woes and has prayed over me with tears.

but i've also watched him live passionately for the church. for the gospel.
i've seen him open his doors to people in need, filled up gas tanks and pantries for others.
i've firsthand come to know how his heart is hungry for the Lord's presence and will run this race no matter what.
so it hurts, when God delays His answer. it hurts to see him struggling and weary. it hurts because in my eyes he deserves better.
it just hurts.

my heart was just broken, not only for him, but for the woman whose dreams were shattered when her spouse walked out. for the ones that are praying for healing and haven't yet received it. for the minds of little ones corrupted because of the sinful nature of this world.
for this world that is filled with people seeking answers, seeking refuge and salvation.

oh Lord won't you come to our rescue?

He then led me to Jeremiah. read the whole entire book, He whispered.
and so i began, and didn't understand. why am i reading chapters of God's wrath? I need to read chapters, passages of mercy! i need reassurance! i need to know this season will be over soon. that the spring time flowers will begin to bloom!

i went to bed not knowing what i needed to get from it. i stopped at chapter 13, but i know the last chapters of jeremiah talk about restoration. and while i didn't understand last night why i needed to read the entire chapter, this morning i understood why.

if the Lord, Almighty and Master of this universe, in the middle of his fiery wrath towards those that were unfaithful to Him and cursed His name, was merciful and compassionate to even them when they returned to Him. How much more merciful will He be to those that delight in His ways. to those that seek Him hungrily and search His heart. to those that love His word and abide by it in their heart.

'you will receive restoration. your dad will receive it. those that are hurting will receive it. it's not a maybe, it's a promise' He whispered to my heart.

i know that sometimes telling you that i'm praying for you, may not be enough. and i wish that i could be there alongside you crying, praying, seeking with you. offering a tight hug, and helping you dry your tears.

but whoever you are, whatever you are going through. Jesus knows your name. He knows your pain.
You will be restored.

'we can trust our God
He knows what He's doing.
though it might hurt now
we won't be ruined.'